Episode 3 is in the books and boy was it a good one. Scoring increased dramatically across the board (except for your Commish, who inexplicably got a measly 2 points) because of the shorter challenge and development of head cases.
THE HOT TUB - It took until episode 3, but we finally had a hot tub scene, and Laurel kicked it off nicely by chugging vodka from the bottle and o.j. from the carton. Way to be a class act, Amazon. Your choice of beverage clued me into the Chaucerian wit you would later expound upon Big Easy.
QOE3 - Laurel: "Remember when your penis made it in a vagina? It didn't."
What an insult! To frame the "you don't get laid because you are fat and ugly" insult in the form of a question like that would make Alex Trebek proud. I also appreciate how you followed it up with "if I were to see you on the street, I wouldn't touch you," because it insinuates that you go around touching people on the street. Finally, you closed it out by proclaiming E's exit with "you came out because you're a fat fuck, now leave because you're a fat fuck." That doesn't make any sense, but I'm sure your fantasy owners (Tino, Bill Simmons) appreciate the points.
The worst part of Laurel's tirade is that it distracted from Emily and Paula Walnuts making out in the hot tub (11 points for Shim and CO each). Two ladies Frenching in bikinis should not be preempted by a drunk with cottage cheese thighs berating a 275 pound ginger with a beard. If it would have been Melinda and Jenn making out I would have smashed the DVR.
THE CHALLENGE - Kudos to the producers for actually composing a good challenge this week. Heights + short time span + helmet cams = success. If they could have fit spelling or doing math or trivia into the challenge it could have been an A+. (NOTE: I have a brilliant idea for the perfect challenge but I will outline it in detail in a later post.) Anyway, we decided to subtract a point for every person who fell or got DQ'd, meaning Laurel, Theresa, Bananas, Paula, Chet, C.M., and Melinda got docked a point.
Katie however...her fall warranted no loss of points for the comedy factor. As BX2 so eloquently put: "I love the helmet cam. Bitch, you did me good. Write that down." Thank you, Katie, for smashing your face and getting a black eye. Bitch, you did us all good.
Which brings us to Shauvon. You disappointed TJ, you big breasted quitter. That is frowned upon mightily, and thus you are docked 15 points. Coupled with voting yourself into the Gulag and tanking it because Sarah strong-armed you, you are this week's LVP. I'm sure CO appreciates the net -12 you got him this week.
THE REST - Johnny's fight in the Prague club was disappointing due to lack of coverage, but it still netted Tino 15 points (fist fight [10] plus return from hospital [5]). Johnny is turning out to be a surprise Alpha Dog over Derrick this season. Sarah also gets an extra point for making Shauvon give up. Overall, a Goliath showing by Tino's team, getting him 60 points from 4 players.
Katie, however, stole the show. Yelling at everyone, crying all over the place, swearing a massive 19 times...in the end Katie scored a 2009 Chris Johnson-esque 35 points and survived to come back next week. We even gave her an extra point for icing the wrong eye. Henceforth, she shall be known as Katie2K...until she loses the Gulag next week.
Big Easy also scored some big points for Shim, who ended up with a respectable 53. I still don't know how he beat Vinny in the Gulag, but it happened. Sorry, Deroids.
Scoring for week 3:
The standings show a bit of separation from the top three and bottom three:
There's still plenty of Gulag left, so we'll see which teams make a run. Let's hope that the future episodes are all as good as episode three.
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